Atheist Forum

Hello there!

Ok, i've basically come for some personal advice if anyone should be so obliged.

So, starting at the beginning, I'm an atheist. I was born to atheist parents who told me "we don't believe in anything like that, so you can believe what you want" (imagine generic religious parents offering their indoctrinated children that choice!), although i'm fairly sure that they have had the biggest influence on my 'spiritual' upbringing. I am not going to be hypocritical to the point as to suggest that wasn't likely to be an atheist growing up in a Godless household.

Anyway, I'm English and, comparative to what i perceive to be Americans' view to atheism, i feel that English people are far from judgemental of atheists. As such i've never had to defend, explain, or even comment upon my lack of belief. Most of my friends are atheist; most people i know are atheist. It's not a choice, it's just the way it is here. As such, i've never been particularly militant in my atheism. I've never taken a massive interest in religion, read religious texts or, indeed, bothered to educate myself about any religions. You believe what you believe; it's all good.

It appears that the strangest thing has happened, however. I've fallen in love with an English Born Muslim girl and, i'm glad to say, she's in love with me (what can i say -- educated, charming and handsome. It's inevitible, right?). We've been living together for a while and it's all hunky-dory. She's not strict: No veil, no 5 a day prayer, no heading off to the mosque, lots of pre-marital sex. All good. She does, however, believe in God. She doesn't drink alchol or eat swine, or eat non-halal meat. I accomodate this. I don't eat pork, drink if i'm wanting some lovin', and i'm a regular at the halal butcher where they're always pleased to see me.

In the interests of learning about her spiritual side i read some books about islam. Peace, love and helping your brothers. Excellent -- even though i don't believe in God these are values i can dig. The next step was reading the Qu'aran. That... was a shock. Seriously, that book is stuffed full of paranoia and hate. On every page i am reminded that 'infidels' (that would be me then) are going to hell. Not only this, but God will, in-fact, help the children of God kill infidels. The good things in the Qu'aran are so far outweighed by the bad that i'm amazed there's a religion in the form of Islam at all.

There are two things to pointillate this story. The first is that the love of my life has never actually read an English translation of the 'Koran'. What she knows she was taught in 'sunday school' and learned from her mother. As such i feel that she has no idea what this book actually says. Secondly, when we were first dating, she said "we will argue about religion". My riposte was "don't worry, i'm chilled." Now for the first time in my life i feel like religion is really, really wrong. I've started reading far more atheist literature and criticism of religion. I've devoured the history of Islam and Christianity, the main tenets and texts.

My question is this: This girl is 'the one'. I want to marry her and intend to. However, if i address my concerns regarding religion, which is basically "you're wrong. really wrong", I fear I will push her deeper into religious belief and, inevitibly, away from me. Do I stand true to my belief, or keep schtum in the interests of a happy life? After all, it really doesn't effect me in the grand scheme of things.

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. In my case ignorance was certainly bliss.

You don't have to tell her she's wrong, and in my opinion I wouldn't discuss religious issues in the first couple years of the relationship (although this isn't the same for all, and in fact might be better for you both to start sooner rather than later. I was only 20 when I met my partner, so that's my perspective).
You're bound to find that, after a number of years together and sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, that your views begin to merge. I've been with my chinese-malay partner for over 7 years, and we both share the same views on many political issues. It's hard to avoid when you have the same experiences together, and talk a lot about important issues. We sway each others beliefs and opinions.

If you love her, go for it. But be gentle, never attack your partner or their personality, rather discuss beliefs with gentleness and back off if the discussion is becoming too heated. A good idea might be to study the Koran together, and share your thoughts with each other.

After 7 years I'm only just discovering the joy of sharing the same religious views as my partner, but that's fine - we grew together and shared our experiences along the way. In many respects we still hold different opinions, but the important matters have been discussed and shared so much that our opinions have finally merged.

The same will happen with you and your partner if you stick with it, and give the issue room to breath and be discussed.

After several failed relationships with theists, I'm of the opinion that I can't (personally) be with a theist. I've very opinionated and a militant atheist, which doesn't go well with anything other than another atheist...

That said, your girlfriend isn't going to decide one day to kill you. If she is as liberal as she sounds, she probably doesn't take the Koran as the holy word at all.

If you're happy together then I suggest you forget religion.

It's a good idea explain your position to her and the reasons why you believe what you do. Make sure you understand her position, then leave it at that.

The biggest influence you can have is when you have kids, make sure they're raised to have an open mind and teach them to think critically about such things, and then let them decide for themselves what they want to believe.

I honestly think most indoctrinated children are a lost cause if they pass into adulthood with these beliefs, so it's unlikely you can undo the years of influence her parents/family had on her.

However you have to chance to end the indoctrination with your own children, I think thats the most important thing. I could bare to put up with another persons religions oddities, but I would never raise a child with a strict religious up bringing.